Monday, September 14, 2009

laughable scenes from the riots

t this very moment, i have to do everything i can to control the nervous shivers in my stomach; my appraisal form, from which it will be determined whether i'm worth my employers pay as permament staff, is at the boss'. so boss looks at it and there is a continuous twitch from his tightly shut lip spreading out to his left side. never seen that before so i dont know whether it is a good or bad thing. "i will need to look at this so u can leave it here. come back later" and here i'm. Waiting, amidst unbearable tension. the recommended options are; confirm, terminate contract, renew contract, prolong confirmation. i only require one ticked; Confirm.

In a quest to keep myself from giving in to the nerves, i have wracked my brains for all things funny, or with the slightest ability to make me laugh, each laugh hysterically exaggarated. so i come up with this one from the recent Mu7 vs kabaka riots;

In one of the surburbs where the riots were rife, a certain TV station broadcast a certain incident at a homestead that though sad i can't help laughing about. From a certain shack, a door opens slowly to reveal a young boy's head nervously peepig through before cautiously stepping out. he had not seen the many armed soildiers when he peeped so the bulk of them scattered all over the compound kind of got him by surprise.

scared shitless, one of the little boy's arms instinctively went to cover his behind and the other, he raised up in the air as if in surrender as he immediately begins to plead,
"bambi. njagala kupama. bi anuma bambi, ngenda kupama....."on and on (please, i want to puu, i'm badly off, pse, i'm going to pu....)
it was an act that softened even the policemen's hearts as one of them gently told the boy to go ahead, as long as he didnt run he would be ok.

it was the way he kept the arm to his behind as if to control the urge, or illustrate how badly off he was, orb the surprise and fear of landing right amidst the soildiers...i dont know. but that clip saw me and the girls rolling over in torrents of laughter the whole weekend. and its the only memory keeping me from soiling my own pants in anxiety.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

eating the damn meat. uurrrgggghhhh...

I keep getting asked why I don’t eat meat and I’v now run out of seemingly sensible excuses, so I thought I should publish the truth for all to see. that way, (publishing it) I get to only say it once. In case I should end up on a date with either of u bloggers. And you fail the ultimate test; Asking me why I don’t want to eat meat that is.

Just so we’r all clear therefore;
I hate and avoid eating meat because normally there’s more meat left lodged between my teeth than reaches my stomach. And I’m sure it should be the other way round. So if meat don’t want to do wat’s expected of it when it is eaten, I aint eating it either. Period.
Oh, and the task of removing that meat from my teeth! Gosh- it’s so not worth it.

That out of the way, how have u all been? I must be the least favorite blogger in everyone’s books and I don’t blame u; I wouldn’t fancy lazy me either. What have I been up to? Booze binges where I come out sober every damn time (too broke to afford getting drunk). And well, I guess it is the activity to meet bloggers at. Rhino, and SleeknWild! Sparta! And normzo! Heck, I bet I’l soon meet Emi’s too!

And I don’t know why I haven’t met Mudamuli. And Casorzy (save for the fact that I haven’t gone drinking at his house I guess) and many more.

And everytime I meet a blogger I’m blown off my feet in some direction; shock, surprise, total confusion… but never ‘ok, so like what I expected.’ People are good at covering up I tell u! ah ah, bloggers should have running videos of their lives playing alongside their blogs walayi.

i'm so tempted to write something about my first encounters and impressions vis-avis what i expected whenever i meet one but i doubt i have met enough yet.

Haven’t met any that picked my pocket or tapped my behind though, so its all still good and safe. Its been real good actually. But maybe not so fast, there’s still people I need to meet, So now I need to know; where do the following go to drink, (or go for prayers):
Samali Mudamuli Ntikita Ntikita
Carsozy's Box

Etc etc
Okay, and many others. These above, come with yo fellow blogger friends
Y’all register here, i need to meet you.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

If u didnt write one of these...

surely u recieved one...

Dear Sugar

Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear My medular-oblangata also stops functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization. Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.

Yourz Ever,
Sugar tapi tapi

ps; damn the picture downloading system!!! maybe next time sugars, i will send u my image.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

i met a guy...

I met a guy. A blogger. For the first time. He possesses the best set of hands and fingers I have seen on a man.

The second time, which was the next day, Packed somewhere along a road, from about 1am to somewhere about 4am, He let me sock his shoulder pads in tears, About issues that didn’t concern him, That I wasn’t even willing to discuss with him. All I wanted was a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on and he offered it. he let me touch his hands.

Just how thwit is this guy

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

life's a sucker

Posting this single line here, to connect with all of blogsville, is all i can do right now to stop the tears lingering just beneath my eyelids from rolling down my cheeks.

But Life can suck!

i need some love
or i'l buy a rope
i swear. i'm not threatening. walayi. tinkubiha. muga katonda mugulu.....i swear.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Happy Father's Day Mum

I still wanted to get married and bring my children up with their dad. i still belived there were good men out there that did well by women. i had survived the ''i hate men' complex (oh i love men!!!) i'd noticed all my other girlfriends from single-mother homes had. And i didnt think of all men as pigs, just bse my father had chosen to be adulterous and condemn us to a life in a broken home. No. I was clearly a normal girl child. Almost as good as all the others even though I had never had the opportunity to call ‘daddy’

But on my graduation day it all came flooding out, For the first time I let myself think back on how we had gotten to that place with my mother; I stood up there, before everything she had so painstakingly prepared to share our achievement thus far and the image of her walking to and from town everyday until her shoe soles gave way glared at me;

I recalled when we were much younger and it confused me that when we said ‘mum I’m hungry’ she sometimes just angrily told u to go to sleep. Now I realize how hard it must have been for her to not be able to feed us;

How I had wished she would be like other mothers with the emotional liberty to hug us, cry when we fell instead of shout at us and just let up a little; I didn’t understand then that she didn’t have the liberty to be a normal mother since in essence she had not been allowed to be that; She had to be just mother enough leaving room for the fatherhood role too that my father couldn’t be b’se he was busy elsewhere. With another woman. And another family.

I had never been a child like many others b’se I’d had to have my brother’s back when mum was working away night and day to give us the good life she had dreamt she and my father would give us. always choosing the cheapest of everything for herself just to provide for us what we would have had if he too had been there. Making sure we lacked nothing so we couldnt miss him. even though she didnt know that in school our worst topic was any conversation about fathers.

It all flashed through my mind at that podium and I couldn’t help but cry torrents. Like I do every Father’s Day when i get sucked into everyone’s 'thank you, i love u dad' frenzy.I have long given up the bitterness and have by now outgrown the confusion. Instead, I shade tears of gratitude for the wonderful father my mother has been to us.

And this Father’s Day I will go out and for the first time buy and address a Father’s Day card
To the only father that I have known all my life.
My mother.
And to all mothers that have been fathers too
Happy Father’s Day
Come Sunday.

Monday, May 11, 2009

he definately beats me

…I’m cursing my employers in all the languages I know and calling friends and relatives to aid me with more curses in more languages…and then I find something that makes me laugh out loud…
I open a folder on my PC with some of my work and in it I see a document saved as ‘suckers’. Suckers? Suckers? Cant remember when I might have had to write about suckers so I open it and … it’s a list of many assignements I had some time that were killing me! I instantly forgive myself for the coarse language and get on with renewing this list….makes me feel better. That I call the shitload a bad name.

I always thought I was ba(r)d. The ba(r)dest in fact. I mean;
-I first got kissed when I was too young to make out why my older cousin liked to smoother my mouth and lick my face so vigorously while crushing my teeth trying to force his tongue, it was gross. He didn’t have to tell me it was our big secret though. i knew. i just knew.

-then my first love letter came in in my Primary Five (also around the time I had my first boyfriend-a secondary school student) from a senior one chap in which one of the lines read “…I’m therefore writing to say that I want to have sex with you.” Yah, I admit I wasn’t that sharp about that one either as I howled so hard our housegirl had a field day marveling at the ignorance of town girls. With this experience came the beginning of what would be the only sex education i was to ever recieve; a tirade of tales about sex behind and inside pigsties, cow shades, forests,…name it. From the same housegirl.

-then the first time I got kissed and I knew what was happening I was still so stupid I rubbed my lips so hard whenever someone at home looked my way that one of the older male relatives in the house finally, with an impish grin, whispered to me ‘see SB if you keep on rubbing your lips like that everyone will know u got kissed today.’ OMG, who had told him? How had he known…u can imagine what else went thru my head as I decided I didn’t want supper, heading straight to my room just in case the lioness herself, my mum, also looked at me and knew.

Okay my point is I always thought I had been there done it (yah right, huh!) way before most. But recently I met a guy whose fact file was as follows;

-At four- got his first blow job from a 13 year old. Girl. A few days after that dude was going down on chics too
-At 9- He was worrying he might have contracted The STD. you know those times you have thought this is it, i surely have the virus? well, dude first went through that at 9, after learning about it from a sick family friend and realizing it was an STD. who worries about STDs at 9 years of age?
-At 10- whe his teacher said 'pregnancy comes from having sex with a girl,' dude knew he was done for; hell he had done it more than he cared to count by then!
Beat that. Anyone.