i miss xmas

Right now, my head feels like there is a mountain exploding in the sides but my skull is too thick to let it splatter through so the pressure is all in there
My nose feels harassed My eyes are ablaze Gleaming thru an ashen face and its taking me longer than it should to finish writing this bse i have to reach for my hanky every so often to ease the nose of an unsustainable load
if i were i scientist, i would want to see what features the flu virus has; they must stick out like daggers. must be a furious bugger this virus; tirelessly aiming blow after blow on its victims....

anyway, someone just asked me what i have planned for xmas and i realised i didn't have the slightest clue what. i realised i plan more for my brothers birthday 7 days before xmas than i do for xmas.

but it wasnt always that way
when i was younger, xmas was real; there was the tree which was what i understood as xmas for sometime, the new cloths, knowing mum would be in the kitchen; the guaranteed rice and chicken meal (the xmas one always tested different, good), biscuits, sweets and the festive feeling that came with the xmas visitors

There was xmas then, you felt it in the air without having to plan or make an effort to
Now, when i don't buy myself a new dress no one does, i know the xmas tree for what it really is; a tree with shinny decorations, rice and chicken is not as exciting anymore, and the visitors are all old and bored; none brings u any gifts beyond cards.

where is the grown ups' xmas? what is it? when does this transition btn childhood and adulthood which doesn't seem to have xmas come to pass?